I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
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