Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I deserve this hangover.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
