Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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