I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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