she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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