Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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