Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
