my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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