even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
