she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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