Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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