I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You don't make any sense
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