She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Randomize
