I'm lost and stupid without you.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
