dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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