There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
