weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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