She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Randomize
