There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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