and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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