And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Sober January is a disaster.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
