I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
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Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
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How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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