Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
