Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I party with great urgency now.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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