why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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