You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
