I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
