I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
this just has baby written all over it
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
