why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
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Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
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Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright