Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
