Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
sex in a hospital.. check
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
