don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
