Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Less talking, more tequila
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
