apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
