I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
