i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...