i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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