i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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