You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
