I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
