he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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