You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Randomize
