If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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