worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Randomize
