I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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