piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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