i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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