ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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