we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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