You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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