why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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