I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
