this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.