using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini