I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.