wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
