I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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