I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
