I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
