I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
