i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Randomize
