Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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