U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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